there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
