im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
