11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
