Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
