alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
