There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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