My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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