guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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