I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
this is an emotional support booty call
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
