So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
