Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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