This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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