Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
