You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
porn star boner night. come get it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
