you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
