I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
