yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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