Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
