what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
