census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
