Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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