i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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