they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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