my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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