Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You were trust falling into bushes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
