I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
