Don't make out with my wife yet
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
