Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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