Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
