Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
