now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
