Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
