So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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