So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
