She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
