Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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