I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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