so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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