It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
