I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
