: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
