he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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