I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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