dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
