I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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