You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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