anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
