Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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