i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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