nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
