Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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