is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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